When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”.
I Politely said, “This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell ?”.
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f**kin number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert’s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re a Ba***rd!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘Ba***rd’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re a Ba***rd!”. It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic “Ba***rd” calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,”Hi, this is John Smith from BT . I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”.
He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a Ba***rd!”.
One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I
noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first Ba***rd (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the Land Rover Ba***rd, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?”.
Yes, it is”, he said. “Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.
“Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It’s a terraced house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”.
“What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Steve Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Steve?”. “I’m home most days as I’m currently unemployed.”.
“Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?”.
“Yes?” “Steve, you’re a Ba***rd!”.
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a
problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I
called Ba***rd #1.
“Hello?”.
“You’re a Ba***rd!” (But I didn’t hang up.).
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Steve Hansen.”.
“Yeah? Where do you live?”.
“I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front.”.
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your
prayers.”.
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared… Ba***rd.” and hung up.
Then I called Ba***rd #2. “Hello?” he said.
“Hello, Ba***rd,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”.
“You’ll do what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your a*se,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, Ba***rd, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”.
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two Ba***rds beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.
Now I feel MUCH better.
Take it from me, anger management really works.
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